Tonight I feel weighed down. It is actually a feeling that I have been really struggling with lately. I have to admit it makes me feel like a failure as a Christian. As Christians we are to know that He will bear our burdens. We are to be joyful and praise Him in the storm. However, right now that knowledge is mere words on a page.
My mind is a tangled mess of worry. However, I do not worry about my life or my path for God is in control of me. My weight comes from around me. My heart breaks for the lonely teeage girl who cuts to ease her pain. My heart breaks for the friend who battles depression and sees no help. My heart breaks for two newlyweds who love each other but are seperated by the rubble of their family. My heart breaks for the family who have lost a son with no warning and no opportunity to say goodbye. My heart wants to sing of the grace and forgiveness that the Lord offers. But will the world hear it? Am I worthy to even sing that song?
Driving home from church tonight my stomach was a knot of sickness. The heart in my chest was so heavy I could no longer hold it up. As my mind tried to focus through the haze of worry the words on the radio lifted the fog. "Time for a milestone, time to begin again. Revaluate who I really am. Am I doing everything to follow your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills. So show me what it is you want from me. I give everything I surrender. It's time to face up. Clean this old house. Time breathe in and let everything out."
Suddenly it all made since. I was allowing the devil to get a foothold. The devil wants me to feel like a failure when I doubt and worry. The devil wants me to take other's problems on as my own and in turn be overburdened and dejected. You see the devil wants me to feel unworthy to share God's message with those who are in the storm. "For the joy of the Lord is your strength and stronghold"(Nehemiah 8:10)
"Whatever you're doing inside of me; It feels like chaos but now I can see this something bigger than me. Larger than life something heavenly."
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