During the past few weeks I have been involved in a Beth Moore bible study on the book of James, Mercy Triumphs. Any of you who have taken a Beth Moore study before know that she has a way of speaking the truth of God’s word while confronting you with your issues. Well, today that moment happened for me in a room with a few ladies I know and a few I am learning to know.
In the book of James, the half brother of Jesus, is teaching us the black and white of God’s word. The opening verses of this book tell us to consider it joy when we face trials of many kinds. The joy James mentions is not the warm fuzzy we often feel from a good mood or a sunny day, but it is biblical joy which is attached to an event in our lives or sometimes a trial. It may seem hard for us to understand but anguish and joy are close friends and often chase each other around, on the playground.
As Beth explained the relationship of anguish and joy on her video she laid out five ways these kissing cousins were related. One being that anguish and joy can coexist. The second point was that anguish and joy can trade places. The third was that anguish can morph into joy. Fourth was mental anguish can be like the mind in labor. Lastly was that anguish is meant to lead to birth. In the discussion of all these points it was the last two that churned my stomach from a calm empty to a tangled knotted mess. The best way to explain about those last two points with women is child birth. How they felt in the anguish of the act of birth to the joy of the life they will now nurture. All the women in the room were chuckling and nodding their heads in agreement, all that is but one. I sat blank because I could not identify with the example. I understand the anguish angle now, it was all I could pin point.
If you have read my blog before you know that I am a post-abortive woman. What you may not know is that I have never had an earthly child. The class went on but a conversation was taking place in my mind between the devil and my past. He invited me to run from church yet again, like I did 19 years ago. He stated that I would never fit in with these “mothers”. We wrapped up the group in prayer but I felt so far from God. All I could hear was the unhurried tick of the wall clock and that voice of the evil one. I believed moments ago in the truth of God’s word. I understood that we will face many trials and that the joy from the Lord can follow when we lean on Him and persevere. Three years ago I lived the words in Isaiah 61:1-3. I had emerged from the ashes of my past to the radiance of a daughter of the King. Now none of that seemed important. All I could hear and taste was the absent place of my womanhood.
I turned to leave displaying a counterfeit smile. A dear mentor called my name and I turned hoping for a church related question which would allow my mind to shift to a pleasant distraction. However, she said, "I am so sorry, I can not even begin to imagine how difficult that lesson must have been for you." I answered her with the truth we were just taught with such authority, that my heart began to open.
I got into my car and left. Looking up at the red-light, I begged God to come near to His aching child. Perched there above my head on a power line in downtown Crawfordville were three birds. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit in winged form. My heart melted a into a smile. I could hear the song from my car speakers, “So we are His portion and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes. If grace is an ocean we're all sinking. So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way. That he loves us, woah, how He loves us.” My heart melted a little more. At the bend of a nearby curve circling over my head was a flock of birds dancing with each other seeing who could soar higher. Joy filled my heart and the devil went away.
As the devil drug me out on the floor; God cut in with shame and joy in harmony. I may not understand the birthing process but one thing I do understand is that I refuse to allow the devil to steer me backwards. Anguish does lead to birth! That Sunday afternoon the devil never got comfortable. With hands raised in praise, I gathered even more joy and passion to share God with others. I no longer have time for regret. His mercy created in me a passionate ministry.
